TRAUMA

   

  It’s been nearly two years ago that I suffered a trauma and I have never been the same since. Two years previous I was expecting our seventh baby when I begun bleeding. 

    The most haunting guilt I experience is that I wished so much just a few weeks earlier that I wasn’t. Just when I had begun to wrap my mind around the truth and had begun to be excited and happy in anticipation I started down a path I did not wish to go. 

    I felt that perhaps I deserved this. It was Gods way of saying: “fine, you don’t want to have a child, one of the most precious gifts ever, then so be it.” I know that He would never say that to me. I know that all I am experiencing and have in the past has been for my proving, for my benefit, to learn and grow to be like Him. 

    He has carried me much of the time. You see we not only lost the baby at 14 weeks. But I nearly died. I lost two liters of blood when the body only has five. I had a blood transfusion, but my heart has never been the same. It literally feels broken. I feel that is because I am having the most difficult time forgiving myself. For not wanting a baby. For not wanting to go another two and a half years of sleep deprivation. I can’t seem to forgive myself for being so incredibly selfish. I have felt so lost, even though my testimony burns brilliantly. 

To be continued…